The kind of guy you dream about

So those that know me, (and even some who don't actually know me) know that I am pretty much the definition of a fanfic whore! I love me some fanfic though I don't understand why I am so drawn to it. Maybe it's feeling like you pretty much already know the characters (at least knowing what they look like) so you don't really have to use the imagination so much. Yep, that's probably it..... I have a lazy imagination. :)

Any way..... I love me some fic and I love to see how the love stories develop. Sometimes the guy is the rugged, hard character, and other times he is this amazing, caring, and supportive guy. I am currently reading a story and this guy is just about so perfect it makes you want to smack him. Really, yes, guys have a romantic and at times thoughtful streak in them, but what guy lives in that mold 24/7. I guess that is why it's called FICTION! So, while I do love the story I am reading, especially because it is lacking in the angst department (which can be a bit much for me at times), I don't whole heartedly love this guy. I started thinking about my husband and how the two differ and the similarities between the two. Hah! That's some funny stuff. This guy is possessive to the point of being over protective of his love interest; my husband tends to fall into that mold. It's annoying at times, but very sweet in other ways. He's eased up in the years we've been together and has realized that he has to let me stand on my own and make up my own mind some times. He's not my father after all (thank God for that). This guy does over the top and yet still oh so sweet simple romantic gestures. My husband, he tries, God love him, he does, but I believe the romance in grand gestures flies out the window when kids enter the picture. There's very little time for that. So, that got me thinking.... what is my dream guy? So, here it is:

My dream guy is the very best friend I have. Someone that I can talk to about anything and spend so much time laughing and cutting up with. He's someone that I can depend on; that no matter what, I know he's going to have my back. He's someone that puts me first and loves me, silliness, quirkiness, faults, and all. He knows my dreams, my heart, and most of my secrets. So the thing is, though I enjoy me some fic, I think I've got my dream guy. He is a HEAVY dose of reality. I mean seriously; what fanfic guy walks around farting, scratching their nuts, and picking their nose... none but where's the reality in that. No, I don't find any of those traits endearing, however, I grind my teeth when I sleep, cry at stupid sitcoms, and have little patience for idiocy.... so there's the reality; accepting one another, overlooking the annoying habits, and finding out that there is no one else you'd rather be with. I don't get flowers delivered (because I'd kill him for wasting money on something that dies), have romantic getaways (no one to watch our kids), or the other HUGE gestures in these stories, but I get a guy who comes home every night and kisses me, regardless of the fact that I'm sleeping when he gets home, who calls me throughout the day just to see how my day is going, and who brings me breakfast when I have a craving for a chicken biscuit. He is my everything and I am a damn lucky girl!

No doubt about it!

So, Mother's Day weekend was packed full of annoyances and frustrations galore, but luckily I survived without causing bodily harm to anyone :) This morning, I got up came to work and almost breathed in a huge breath of relief, knowing that the weekend was behind me and another busy week lies ahead. I am one of those mom's who can't seem to find a minute to sit still, unless it's late at night when the world sleeps. I heap more and more onto my plate and though it can be frustrating at times, I find it fulfilling too. Yeah, I know, I'm a glutton for punishment.

But, I just had a very wonderful reminder of why I put forth the effort. I am involved with a non-profit organization. This organization is so incredibly dear to my heart and though my role is one of the behind the scenes, it means the world to me. This year, our annual fund raiser was almost canceled for one reason or another. Then, a few weeks ago, a major contributor (a large medical foundation in our area) pulled through to sponsor our event. With little time to plan, I wasn't sure if it was going to happen. It didn't look as though our turnout was going to be worth it, but my oh my how the winds turn. Our attendance all of the sudden sky rocketed and now we are going to be able to provide for more families and are even giving a family a car at our event. I am not the most radical christian that one would ever come across, but when things like that; unreal, spectacular things occur, how can one not be thankful and and recognize the faithfulness of God. I am so small in the overall scheme of things and feel so amazingly grateful for the goodness and mercy of a higher power that sees the hearts of those little people and comes through, again and again! I'm sitting here literally amazed and fighting back tears that a plan has come together and more hurting families will be blessed because of it! This day is turning out to be just what I needed.

Just thinking

I was talking to a friend today, and she was explaining the hardships she has been facing lately. It seems as though a lot of our friends or acquaintences are going through some sort of struggle, especially financially. It honestly hurt my heart to listen to her talking about losing her home among other things. It got me thinking about the past year. Our finances have done a complete 180 this year. For some reason, and I'm sure I'll never understand why, but we're finding ourselves in a good place financially. When so many others are hurting and struggling, I almost find myself ashamed of the fact that for once, in all of the years I've been with my husband, we aren't struggling. Is it because we've made our bad choices earlier in our relationship and we've learned from those mistakes? I'm not sure. What's sad is that I try not to talk about our good fortune because I am not one to brag nor do I want to appear as trying to pour salt in a friend's wound, but the few people I've told (and they have been few) I've had at least one walk away from me. Isn't friendship about encouraging friends when they are down and cheering them on when things are well in their lives (despite your own situation)? I had a friend tell me a while back that she was choosing to distance herself from me because it was too hard to be my friend when my life seems perfect. Said friend was there when I was filing bankruptcy, going through multiple miscarriages, and watching as my marriage almost fell apart and I entered the darkest time in my life. I guess I don't understand. I know they say that misery loves company, but wow, really?!? My life is not perfect; far from it, actually, but I will look at my lot in life and smile and regardless of the friends I keep, recognize that for some reason, I'm walking on the brighter side of life today. I'm happy AND content. I don't feel the need to compete with those around me nor do I feel the need to always strive for more. I'm content in who I am and with what I have. That's no easy feat, but it's one I choose today; to be content and not to allow any one to take that away from me. Does it stop my heart from breaking when a friend shares their struggles? Absolutely not! That's who I am, an empathetic person. I will support them and love them through their situation, because I have the strength when they don't. Don't we all need that in life? Somewhere, someone loved me in my rough patches, so I will do the same for those I can. If others try to distance themselves from me or push me away, of course it will hurt, but I'm not going to let that ruin the person I am. You can't force your friendship on others and as much as it hurts, you have to realize that there comes a time when you have to let go. So, I will focus on the good things, the positive things, and be proud of who I am. That's all, my heart was heavy so I thought I'd share.

Trying Something New

It seems that with every bit of time that goes by, I learn something new about myself. Am I who I was a year ago? Probably not, but I also think I'm a lot happier than I was then. I've learned that I need time and things that are just for me. I am a mom of 3 and a wife, so that is something that is really difficult, if not, at times, impossible. Lately, things that are mine seem to be more like late night trips to the store just to wander aimlessly and quietly. Silence, is something I don't get much of, and have come to adore. Another thing that are mine is time with friends. This isn't something that I induldge in often, but thankfully, I have a husband who realizes that this time makes me a happier wife. It's wonderful to get away and be just me for a while, not mom to the world, not wife, not crazy problem solver... just me. Ahhh that's a concept. Do I regret the other roles I hold? Absolutely not! I love them, but again, I have learned that they can all be a part of me without consuming me every second of every day. Today, I take on a new ownership and that is something that thrills me to no end. For most of my life, my passion has been writing as a way of expressing myself. I've been considering writing something for me and that is definitely on my to do list, but today, I get to start being a part of someone else's work. I get trusted to review and edit someone else's stories. That may not see like a lot to most people, but to me it's HUGE! It's something that I am doing for me and just for the enjoyment of doing it. Hopefully, spending time reading the hearts of other's being poured out for the reading enjoyment of others, I will find the courage to take my own chance to that. I guess that is what this blog is, a way to spend time expressing my thoughts the way I feel most comfortable... in black and white. So, I'm stepping out and trying something new. Today, I get a new part of me and here is hoping that it turns out to be a great experience!

Must be doing something right.......

So, here I am at the brink of no longer being 30 but being in my 30's. AAAHHHHHHHH! No really, I'm not worried. I'm sitting here thinking about the past year. My God, there have been some definite up's and down's, but for some unkown reason, here I am a year later and breathing in the sweet moments of life. Stress? Well, there are always some lingering in the backround, but for today, this very momoent, I am just content. I am in what I like to refer to as "a good place" in my life. I'm happier than I have been in a very long time, but I'm not exactly sure what has brought about that change. I find myself smiling more these days and laughing a lot. Maybe it's because for once, I am not completely focused on our finances or the lack of. Maybe it's because I am loving every second with that husband of mine. Maybe it's because I have wonderful people in my life who love me, faults and all. Or maybe I have been able to look at the bigger picture and have made the concious decision not to sweat the small stuff. We've been attending a new church and I wouldn't say that it was officially home yet, but it has definitely brought about a feeling of a clean slate, free of all the baggage and histories that came along with past attendance at churches. Not to say that they were bad, because they absolutely aren't, but it's nice to have a fresh start with fresh faces in life.
So, on Friday, I welcome 31 and smile knowing that the best is yet to come and holding on tightly to the wonderful moments that make up my life today.

just when you think you've got it all figured out... here comes a new lesson

The older I get, the more I am learning and changing. I'm finding that saying, "I'm sorry" is possibly the hardest thing you will ever say, but probably the most impactful decision you will make. As parents, we are always teaching our kids to say those very words when they do something wrong, but yet it's embedded in us to resist it. Can you imagine how different life would be if we were more apologetic for our actions and words?!? I've been with the same man for what seems like a lifetime and I find those words especially hard to choke out when I owe him the apology. It's amazing how much we are driven by our pride. So, I'm choosing to try to be a better person, recognize when I am wrong, and do something to make it better. I will somehow continue to find ways to get over myself and my pride in order to bring about happier times in my life. Times that stick with you forever. I will try to hold onto those sweet moments and breathe them in more fully. On that note......
My son rode his bike for the first time without training wheels this weekend. At that very moment, hearing him screaming with such a sense of accomplishment "I'm doing it, I'm DOING IT!", nothing else mattered, but him and the fact he had accomplished something he had worked really hard at doing. I want to let go of the crappy moments and focus more on those wonderful instances when life is really about what it should always be about... finding things that make you happy, loving those in your life, being content with what you have, and loving so deeply that sometimes it hurts! My chest almost burst with pride at him as the tears welled up in my eyes. I'm not the perfect parent, and I'm learning lessons every day. I know there are rough days, crappy attitudes, but it small victories that bring us the greatest joys. Today, I focus on those... small victories!

The Past Keeps Resurfacing

Have you ever had someone/something from your past that keeps popping up again & again? With me, it's the same person. The person that is like a roach that just won't die. No, it's not really like that. It's just I have someone who has been part of my life off and on (mostly off) for over 20 years. I can't even say that she's a good friend as we've shared our ups and downs and have found ourselves mostly on the downside. So, here's the thing..... a few months back, I sent this person a rather curt message and explained that I would no longer be the person left on the back burner waiting for her to come back around and befriend me again. It always felt like she was talking down to me or using me when fighting with other friends, never just wanting to be a part of my life just to be there. I don't know, maybe I'm too hard on said friend, maybe it's just me making things harder than they have to be. That weird thing is that I know our friendship basically has been full of some very crappy moments, yet I still find myself missing this person. Am I freaking glutton for punishment? My husband keeps trying to tell me that I am better than this person and that walking away was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. But that's not really in my make up.... being mean, walking away. I guess I am more along the lines of the person who likes to fix things and as I have never been one to walk away before, it's haunting me that I was the one who did it this time. I'm better than that. I can rise above these things. I'm always trying to see the good in people and yes, sometimes you have to look deep to find it and search for an eternity, but am I no better because I so willingly brushed her aside and discarded a friendship that though it hasn't been perfect it has been a very large part of my life. I guess I'm just conflicted. While I don't necessarily want to open myself up to a possible hurt, I don't want to be the bad guy either. I don't want to be the horrible person who walked away from a relationship. So, not completely understanding why I did it, I sent a friend request on Facebook. Almost a bit of a peace offering. If she ignores it, then that's fine, at least I tried, but if she accepts it, then maybe we can be acquaintances, not friends, not best friends, but just someone who can have the courtesy of trying to acknowledge the other when you pass in public rather than feeling the urge to hide under a rock. My God, I'm 30 & I definitely still don't have it figured out.

And I just received notification that she accepted the request. Hmmm, let's see where this can go.