Thursday, July 7, 2011
This week has been one of those that tends to leave me with more questions than answers and more frustrations than peace. I hate the feeling of being unsettled, call me a control freak if you will. It just has been one of those where every point in your life pretty much exhausts you. By last night, I was on the verge of tears, thoroughly exhausted, and seriously lacking confidence. I looked at my kids last night and wondered how do I be better for them and why is it that they can frustrate me so easily. Call it a feeling of inadequacy, that was definitely the label last night. I have three children and my youngest is best referred to as a "grace grower". He makes me laugh more than any child I have ever enountered, yet can manage to find those buttons that cause me to see red. Last night after they went to bed (and were finally asleep) I questioned how to improve as a mom and how to better handle the sometime hurtful things that he says to me. I still don't have the answers, and it breaks my heart so thoroughly. Then, this morning, I woke up with a new attitude and a smile on my face... I guess that's one of my better personality traits; I tend to bounce back and not stay down too long. Then, I remembered the date. Today, is a date that always makes my heart heavy. I have a friend whose son was lost to cancer at age 2. I didn't meet her until after he had passed, yet followed her entire journey with his illness through a blog she set up. Her son was 2 weeks to the day younger than my youngest son and because of that similarity, I was able to identify with her in such passionate way. Today, her son should have turned 6. Today, she will feel the void in her heart moreso than probably most other days. Remembering her pain today, not that it ever truly goes away, made me focus a little more. My little guy may frustrate me to the point of tears. He may say and do things that at times hurt me. He may never really appreciate the day to day things that I do for him. But all of those frustrations and hurts are nothing compared to the pain I would feel if I didn't have him any longer. I'm sure my friend would gladly take all of those "burdens" to share even one more day with her precious baby boy. I sat this morning and looked at pictures of my kids and my heart swelled with emotion, pride, and such love. My kids may not be perfect, but they're all mine and they're here, alive and well. I cannot fathom it being any other way. So, today, my heart breaks for my friend, for all of the firsts she will never experience with her son, for the life that was cut short by such a horrible disease, and for all of the what if's that she lives with. Today, in honor of her son, I will take more time to play with my kids. I will hug them longer, allow them to be sillier, and maybe even give them junk food for dinner. Today, I will be a better mom than I was yesterday, because by the grace of God, I still have all of my children!