Confusion sinks in

So everyone knows that old saying that the only thing constant in life is change. Of course, I know this to be true and usually.... USUALLY change just makes me do nothing other than say "ummm okay". It's funny, but I have been working for my current boss for over 3 years now; 3 years that have been challenging and have allowed me to grow a lot as a person. Now, there are different opportunities in front of me, which will lead me away from my amazing boss, but you know that sense you get when something is just right? Yeah, that's what I've got. Recently, our timeline of me switching gears got moved back a few weeks and almost sent me into a full on freak out. At first, I was almost willing to fight for my current job and to do what I have to stick with it. But here's the thing, I then realized what it was that I will be walking away from. I will be leaving behind this constant feeling of need to be in a "go mode", the anxiety that comes with worrying over things not being perfect, and the aggravation of seeing people who make more than I do doing so much less than me. Don't get me wrong, like I said, my current boss is the best I've ever had the joy of working with, but I believe that change is imminent and is what you make of it. As I sit and think about the work atmosphere I will find myself in soon, I always smile just a bit. I won't feel leashed to my cell phone at all times of the day. I will know that on my days off, they will truly be days off... no calls, texts, emails, or other things causing me stress. Of course, the new boss isn't perfect either, but I'm thinking this will be a change for the better for both of us. I need to find the time that I've lost where you feel like you can actually breathe when you're in the office. For weeks now, I've been like the cartoon Tasmanian devil whipping through the office at high rates of speed and snarling in the process. THAT IS NOT ME! That's not who I am, and I'm ready to let the real me shine through again. Thus change is a good thing. Will the change come with new problems of its own? Absolutely, but new problems, are just new challenges to overcome and with fresh eyes and an attitude adjustment, I think things will be just fine.

Brighter Days Ahead?

For those who know me, most of them would consider me to be a pretty upbeat kind of gal. I have an extremely silly streak to me, and my God I love Twilight... what more is there to say? That alone speaks volumes for my character, right? LOL!

Instead of honing in on my great personality, I need to rant for a few minutes, and this seems like just the place to do it. This weekend SUCKED! Not just the kinda sucks, a little sucks, or even mildly sucks, I mean SUCKED ASS of great porportions! First and foremost in my life, I am a mom. That characterization of me is so deeply embedded in me, that some times I forget I am anything else; mostly my own person. But this weekend, the momma came out like never before. I have had people hurt my kids feelings or left them feeling down, and yes, of course I want to make it better. This weekend, I had someone DEVASTATE my children; wounding them so deeply that I actually want to cause bodily harm to this individual. Kids are so loving by nature, maybe that's just mine, but they are. Saturday, my poor kids had to experience the loss of their favorite family pet. This wouldn't have been such a hard thing to stomach if it was "her time to go" or if she had been sick. But no, some bastard (and I use that term loosely) purposely ran down our family dog. She was 9 years old and was basically unable to run quickly, but he sped up to get her. REALLY!?! Who the hell does that?!? My kids were devastated, that's not even the word for it; their little hearts were shattered that not only had we lost her, but that someone would dare to that just because they are hateful. I spent so much of my weekend keeping myself together to love on them, but when they left yesterday for sleepover's, I fell apart. Yes, I loved our pet. She was the most gentle, loving animal I have ever come accross, but moreso, my heart broke for my kids and the taste of reality they got this weekend. To watch my oldest child, hyperventilate when he found her and for him to blame himself for not realizing she got out sooner. To watch my daughter shake with grief. To watch my youngest, freak out with need for a piece of paper because he had no idea how else to express the pain he was experiencing... the pain of hurting, but also worrying he'd forget her and the only way to relieve it was for him to draw a picture. Those are scenes that will forever be etched in my mind and heart as a mom. There was nothing I could do but love them, but I felt so insignificant in those moments. I want to find the jerk who did this to my kids and make him look them in the eye and realize that it wasn't just something he did on a whim, he robbed my kids of a piece of their innocence.

The past few weeks have been harsh all around, mostly stress and frustrations. I have to hope for better days around the bend and for brighter days to come. Yes, everything will fade in time, but sometimes it hard to see those days as not being so far away. For now, my heart hurts and I'm more frustrated than I was before; hypersensitive to things, and looking forward to finding solace in the quite times tonight. So, here's hoping I will find my silly side in a few days, and I'm sure I'll be back here when I do. Like I said, I just needed to vent and get my rant out of the way. Some times you just need to do that. Ok, rant over.

Feeling so thankful

I know my last post was about my friend and the loss of her little boy. This same friend, found an amazing way to help her give back and to in turn help her deal with the pain of her loss. She began a non-profit in the memory of her son that reaches out to children under 3 who are walking the same road that her family faced, the journey of battling their child's cancer. I am so thankful to be a part of this organization. I know that sometimes my husband asks me why I keep my involvement and I can't explain it other than I feel like I am making a difference in having a small part in it.

This weekend, one of the children who is a part of of our family adoption program relapsed. She had been 2 years living cancer free and in nine weeks time, she went from having a perfectly clean scan to having her brain and spine taken over with tumors. She is back in the hospital again and they are trying to decide the treatment for her as she has already had such extensive treatment that they are not exactly sure how to proceed. I was reading her mom's update this morning. The grief that she must feel in realizing the road that lies ahead for her child, I cannot even begin to understand, but in the same breath, needing to find the strength and faith to fight once again. I am trying to be a source of encouragement for, but still it feels like so little. But this morning, in the quiet of the start of my day, I just sat and cried as I thought about this family - all of the families that we have met through this organization. My heart aches for each of them, for those battling their child's cancer, for those who have lost their children to it, all of them.

All I can say is that this makes me so incredibly thankful for my kids and their health. I don't know that I could be as strong as some of the families who are going through this awful journey and I honestly have to thank God that he hasn't chosen that lot for me and my family. Thank you God for my 10 year old, who is intelligent and sensitive and one of the most pure souls I've ever met. Thank you for my 7 year old who is shy, determined, and loves to laugh. Thank you for my 6 year old who is rambunctious, silly, and a child who loves with his whole heart. These little ones, they are the reason that I stay involved with this organization; because if it was me, I'd want to know I had someone in my corner too.

Today

This week has been one of those that tends to leave me with more questions than answers and more frustrations than peace. I hate the feeling of being unsettled, call me a control freak if you will. It just has been one of those where every point in your life pretty much exhausts you. By last night, I was on the verge of tears, thoroughly exhausted, and seriously lacking confidence. I looked at my kids last night and wondered how do I be better for them and why is it that they can frustrate me so easily. Call it a feeling of inadequacy, that was definitely the label last night. I have three children and my youngest is best referred to as a "grace grower". He makes me laugh more than any child I have ever enountered, yet can manage to find those buttons that cause me to see red. Last night after they went to bed (and were finally asleep) I questioned how to improve as a mom and how to better handle the sometime hurtful things that he says to me. I still don't have the answers, and it breaks my heart so thoroughly. Then, this morning, I woke up with a new attitude and a smile on my face... I guess that's one of my better personality traits; I tend to bounce back and not stay down too long. Then, I remembered the date. Today, is a date that always makes my heart heavy. I have a friend whose son was lost to cancer at age 2. I didn't meet her until after he had passed, yet followed her entire journey with his illness through a blog she set up. Her son was 2 weeks to the day younger than my youngest son and because of that similarity, I was able to identify with her in such passionate way. Today, her son should have turned 6. Today, she will feel the void in her heart moreso than probably most other days. Remembering her pain today, not that it ever truly goes away, made me focus a little more. My little guy may frustrate me to the point of tears. He may say and do things that at times hurt me. He may never really appreciate the day to day things that I do for him. But all of those frustrations and hurts are nothing compared to the pain I would feel if I didn't have him any longer. I'm sure my friend would gladly take all of those "burdens" to share even one more day with her precious baby boy. I sat this morning and looked at pictures of my kids and my heart swelled with emotion, pride, and such love. My kids may not be perfect, but they're all mine and they're here, alive and well. I cannot fathom it being any other way. So, today, my heart breaks for my friend, for all of the firsts she will never experience with her son, for the life that was cut short by such a horrible disease, and for all of the what if's that she lives with. Today, in honor of her son, I will take more time to play with my kids. I will hug them longer, allow them to be sillier, and maybe even give them junk food for dinner. Today, I will be a better mom than I was yesterday, because by the grace of God, I still have all of my children!

My Life

This weekend, I went out with my brother and one of my oldest friends. Any one who knows me, knows that I'm an observer. I love to watch people and quietly come up with my own conclusions as I psycho-analyze things. (Yep, I'm a nerd)

I sat and listened to two individuals, who know me quite well, bash the institution of marriage. I guess I can understand one of the sides as this person was hurt and never quite healed from a marriage gone awry. The other person that I was with, however, is in a marriage and has been so for almost as long as mine. When questioned as to why there was such unhappiness and lack of desire to continue the marriage, there was never a reason given or a clear excuse. My marriage, it's not perfect. My husband, tends to get on my nerves. But there is something to be said for choosing your marriage. You can't expect it to work itself out if no one is willing to put in the effort, nor will this work if only half of the couple is committed to the success of it. I don't believe that anyone should live their lives miserable and unhappy, but I also believe that mind sets are a choice as well. You can choose to find the good in your spouse; start off with small things and let them know that you see them. No one wants to live under the scrutiny of someone else, feeling like a constant failure.

I don't need a huge house or a sizeable bank account. I don't need expensive clothes or trips to the spa. I choose to be happy. I choose my marriage and I choose my spouse. I choose to see the good in him and to appreciate the little things rather than point out faults. I choose to praise him for the little things he does for me and to not be put out by the grand gestures falling to the wayside. I choose my family.

The kind of guy you dream about

So those that know me, (and even some who don't actually know me) know that I am pretty much the definition of a fanfic whore! I love me some fanfic though I don't understand why I am so drawn to it. Maybe it's feeling like you pretty much already know the characters (at least knowing what they look like) so you don't really have to use the imagination so much. Yep, that's probably it..... I have a lazy imagination. :)

Any way..... I love me some fic and I love to see how the love stories develop. Sometimes the guy is the rugged, hard character, and other times he is this amazing, caring, and supportive guy. I am currently reading a story and this guy is just about so perfect it makes you want to smack him. Really, yes, guys have a romantic and at times thoughtful streak in them, but what guy lives in that mold 24/7. I guess that is why it's called FICTION! So, while I do love the story I am reading, especially because it is lacking in the angst department (which can be a bit much for me at times), I don't whole heartedly love this guy. I started thinking about my husband and how the two differ and the similarities between the two. Hah! That's some funny stuff. This guy is possessive to the point of being over protective of his love interest; my husband tends to fall into that mold. It's annoying at times, but very sweet in other ways. He's eased up in the years we've been together and has realized that he has to let me stand on my own and make up my own mind some times. He's not my father after all (thank God for that). This guy does over the top and yet still oh so sweet simple romantic gestures. My husband, he tries, God love him, he does, but I believe the romance in grand gestures flies out the window when kids enter the picture. There's very little time for that. So, that got me thinking.... what is my dream guy? So, here it is:

My dream guy is the very best friend I have. Someone that I can talk to about anything and spend so much time laughing and cutting up with. He's someone that I can depend on; that no matter what, I know he's going to have my back. He's someone that puts me first and loves me, silliness, quirkiness, faults, and all. He knows my dreams, my heart, and most of my secrets. So the thing is, though I enjoy me some fic, I think I've got my dream guy. He is a HEAVY dose of reality. I mean seriously; what fanfic guy walks around farting, scratching their nuts, and picking their nose... none but where's the reality in that. No, I don't find any of those traits endearing, however, I grind my teeth when I sleep, cry at stupid sitcoms, and have little patience for idiocy.... so there's the reality; accepting one another, overlooking the annoying habits, and finding out that there is no one else you'd rather be with. I don't get flowers delivered (because I'd kill him for wasting money on something that dies), have romantic getaways (no one to watch our kids), or the other HUGE gestures in these stories, but I get a guy who comes home every night and kisses me, regardless of the fact that I'm sleeping when he gets home, who calls me throughout the day just to see how my day is going, and who brings me breakfast when I have a craving for a chicken biscuit. He is my everything and I am a damn lucky girl!

No doubt about it!

So, Mother's Day weekend was packed full of annoyances and frustrations galore, but luckily I survived without causing bodily harm to anyone :) This morning, I got up came to work and almost breathed in a huge breath of relief, knowing that the weekend was behind me and another busy week lies ahead. I am one of those mom's who can't seem to find a minute to sit still, unless it's late at night when the world sleeps. I heap more and more onto my plate and though it can be frustrating at times, I find it fulfilling too. Yeah, I know, I'm a glutton for punishment.

But, I just had a very wonderful reminder of why I put forth the effort. I am involved with a non-profit organization. This organization is so incredibly dear to my heart and though my role is one of the behind the scenes, it means the world to me. This year, our annual fund raiser was almost canceled for one reason or another. Then, a few weeks ago, a major contributor (a large medical foundation in our area) pulled through to sponsor our event. With little time to plan, I wasn't sure if it was going to happen. It didn't look as though our turnout was going to be worth it, but my oh my how the winds turn. Our attendance all of the sudden sky rocketed and now we are going to be able to provide for more families and are even giving a family a car at our event. I am not the most radical christian that one would ever come across, but when things like that; unreal, spectacular things occur, how can one not be thankful and and recognize the faithfulness of God. I am so small in the overall scheme of things and feel so amazingly grateful for the goodness and mercy of a higher power that sees the hearts of those little people and comes through, again and again! I'm sitting here literally amazed and fighting back tears that a plan has come together and more hurting families will be blessed because of it! This day is turning out to be just what I needed.

Just thinking

I was talking to a friend today, and she was explaining the hardships she has been facing lately. It seems as though a lot of our friends or acquaintences are going through some sort of struggle, especially financially. It honestly hurt my heart to listen to her talking about losing her home among other things. It got me thinking about the past year. Our finances have done a complete 180 this year. For some reason, and I'm sure I'll never understand why, but we're finding ourselves in a good place financially. When so many others are hurting and struggling, I almost find myself ashamed of the fact that for once, in all of the years I've been with my husband, we aren't struggling. Is it because we've made our bad choices earlier in our relationship and we've learned from those mistakes? I'm not sure. What's sad is that I try not to talk about our good fortune because I am not one to brag nor do I want to appear as trying to pour salt in a friend's wound, but the few people I've told (and they have been few) I've had at least one walk away from me. Isn't friendship about encouraging friends when they are down and cheering them on when things are well in their lives (despite your own situation)? I had a friend tell me a while back that she was choosing to distance herself from me because it was too hard to be my friend when my life seems perfect. Said friend was there when I was filing bankruptcy, going through multiple miscarriages, and watching as my marriage almost fell apart and I entered the darkest time in my life. I guess I don't understand. I know they say that misery loves company, but wow, really?!? My life is not perfect; far from it, actually, but I will look at my lot in life and smile and regardless of the friends I keep, recognize that for some reason, I'm walking on the brighter side of life today. I'm happy AND content. I don't feel the need to compete with those around me nor do I feel the need to always strive for more. I'm content in who I am and with what I have. That's no easy feat, but it's one I choose today; to be content and not to allow any one to take that away from me. Does it stop my heart from breaking when a friend shares their struggles? Absolutely not! That's who I am, an empathetic person. I will support them and love them through their situation, because I have the strength when they don't. Don't we all need that in life? Somewhere, someone loved me in my rough patches, so I will do the same for those I can. If others try to distance themselves from me or push me away, of course it will hurt, but I'm not going to let that ruin the person I am. You can't force your friendship on others and as much as it hurts, you have to realize that there comes a time when you have to let go. So, I will focus on the good things, the positive things, and be proud of who I am. That's all, my heart was heavy so I thought I'd share.