just when you think you've got it all figured out... here comes a new lesson

The older I get, the more I am learning and changing. I'm finding that saying, "I'm sorry" is possibly the hardest thing you will ever say, but probably the most impactful decision you will make. As parents, we are always teaching our kids to say those very words when they do something wrong, but yet it's embedded in us to resist it. Can you imagine how different life would be if we were more apologetic for our actions and words?!? I've been with the same man for what seems like a lifetime and I find those words especially hard to choke out when I owe him the apology. It's amazing how much we are driven by our pride. So, I'm choosing to try to be a better person, recognize when I am wrong, and do something to make it better. I will somehow continue to find ways to get over myself and my pride in order to bring about happier times in my life. Times that stick with you forever. I will try to hold onto those sweet moments and breathe them in more fully. On that note......
My son rode his bike for the first time without training wheels this weekend. At that very moment, hearing him screaming with such a sense of accomplishment "I'm doing it, I'm DOING IT!", nothing else mattered, but him and the fact he had accomplished something he had worked really hard at doing. I want to let go of the crappy moments and focus more on those wonderful instances when life is really about what it should always be about... finding things that make you happy, loving those in your life, being content with what you have, and loving so deeply that sometimes it hurts! My chest almost burst with pride at him as the tears welled up in my eyes. I'm not the perfect parent, and I'm learning lessons every day. I know there are rough days, crappy attitudes, but it small victories that bring us the greatest joys. Today, I focus on those... small victories!

The Past Keeps Resurfacing

Have you ever had someone/something from your past that keeps popping up again & again? With me, it's the same person. The person that is like a roach that just won't die. No, it's not really like that. It's just I have someone who has been part of my life off and on (mostly off) for over 20 years. I can't even say that she's a good friend as we've shared our ups and downs and have found ourselves mostly on the downside. So, here's the thing..... a few months back, I sent this person a rather curt message and explained that I would no longer be the person left on the back burner waiting for her to come back around and befriend me again. It always felt like she was talking down to me or using me when fighting with other friends, never just wanting to be a part of my life just to be there. I don't know, maybe I'm too hard on said friend, maybe it's just me making things harder than they have to be. That weird thing is that I know our friendship basically has been full of some very crappy moments, yet I still find myself missing this person. Am I freaking glutton for punishment? My husband keeps trying to tell me that I am better than this person and that walking away was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. But that's not really in my make up.... being mean, walking away. I guess I am more along the lines of the person who likes to fix things and as I have never been one to walk away before, it's haunting me that I was the one who did it this time. I'm better than that. I can rise above these things. I'm always trying to see the good in people and yes, sometimes you have to look deep to find it and search for an eternity, but am I no better because I so willingly brushed her aside and discarded a friendship that though it hasn't been perfect it has been a very large part of my life. I guess I'm just conflicted. While I don't necessarily want to open myself up to a possible hurt, I don't want to be the bad guy either. I don't want to be the horrible person who walked away from a relationship. So, not completely understanding why I did it, I sent a friend request on Facebook. Almost a bit of a peace offering. If she ignores it, then that's fine, at least I tried, but if she accepts it, then maybe we can be acquaintances, not friends, not best friends, but just someone who can have the courtesy of trying to acknowledge the other when you pass in public rather than feeling the urge to hide under a rock. My God, I'm 30 & I definitely still don't have it figured out.

And I just received notification that she accepted the request. Hmmm, let's see where this can go.

Different Strokes for Different Folks

I am the type of person who doesn't exactly keep too many close friends. Don't get me wrong, all-in-all, I love people, but am not one to really get close to them. Call it trust issues or what have you, but that's me. I do, however, keep a large circle of friends. Most of these people I am, again, not close with, but do share some form of bond or relationship with. I was thinking today about how each person almost seems to bring their own purpose in my friends. I've got the close family friend. We raise our kids together, husband's are best friends, and our children are best friends as well. Not to mention they are my children's god parents. So, they are the type I would put in the life long category. Does it mean that I share every intimate detail of my life? No, I guess I don't but they are the type that if I needed something and I mean REALLY needed something, they are the one's I could call on. That's a very reassuring feeling.
I then have the long distance friend. Haven't seen her in years and probably couldn't remember the last time I actually heard her voice because technology has allowed us the benefit of not picking up a phone to hold a conversation, yet we can talk about whatever we can think of. She is at this point, what I affectionately refer to as my person. The one I gripe about stuff with and have the most hilarious exchanges with.
I have another semi-long distance friend who is also family. We share all of the gripes and gossip at the large family we belong to. Talk about our kids and husbands and have a great relationship. She's the type that will pick up the phone to call just to say hi when she knows I'm having a bad day (thank you Facebook for communicating the need for a friendly call).
Then, there are the work peeps. I have a friend that I worked around for years and never actually spoke to. But in the last year or so, we've developed a friendship. We vent about work and she has a genuine interest in my family which is nice. She comes over to cook for us and hang out with the kids and now affectionately refers to my husband as "baby daddy". It was a relationship that spawned from a simple car ride and I'm happy to have her.
This morning though, I went to visit my laughing friend. Yes, I do have a lot of friends I laugh with and I feel blesed to have that. Better to laugh than cry. I spent 15 or so minutes in her office just talking about random things and laughing so hard that my cheeks hurt. She's another one that I never thought I'd really befriend but am happy that I did because we can always find great things to talk about and share a good laugh when you need one.
So, all in all, I am a very lucky gal. No, I may not have a million "best friends" and I may keep my distance and not get too personal, but I've got some great people in my life and it sure makes a good place to be.

Texts......

God bless the person who invented texts. I honestly never really saw much of a need for them, but now, as much as I hate to admit it, it has become a way of life for me. I hang my head in shame as I admit that I spend way too much time on Face Book, IMing, Tweeting (well given that up temporarily) and now texting. I text with people whom I spend all day with at work, but most often texts are to a very wonderful long distance friend. It's amazing how technology allows you the opportunity to reconnect with people who you had lost touch with. I love it! I was in an awful mood this morning... the kind of mood when you're ready to pounce on the first person who looks out you the wrong way, the kind when people just see the look on your face and decide to walk away because it's in their best interest (Yes, people do fear me). But then it happened, my notification went off and the texting ensued. Amazing how silly stories and comments between friends can completely uplift one's mood. I went from the fire breathing dragon to smiles and giggles almost instantly. So, God Bless You the texting genius! Today, you have made me day a better place to be!

The Office

I work in a fairly busy government atmosphere. Our department is over 100 people and a majority of them are located near me. There is such a variety of people here. I was thinking about the stereotypes of office "types" of people. You have the nice guy; the one who is always willing to help and just really likes working with others. He's a great member of staff and an asset. Then you have the martyr; the one who feels their work is never appreciated and therefore is always pointing out how very much they do to contribute to the overall work flow. This person also has the "someone is always out to get me" complex. Hybrids of the martyr are the ones who also constantly volunteer themselves to do additional things and then are left feeling under appreciated because no one ever seems to notice. You also have the gossip. That is one is pretty self explanatory. The person who most likely doesn't know anything about anything, but likes to think they're in the "know" and then runs their mouth. They also love to complain about others and constantly point out what everyone else is doing wrong. You have the one everyone loves to hate. Our office, she's female who uses her "assets" to get the attention of those with more power than her to try to get a leg up. And then my favorite these days, The Nuisance. In my office, this is the person who gets under people's skin. This person loves to run around delegating responsibilities because of their general lack of know how and laziness. They love to boss people around and are always running from here to there barking orders at others. The thing about the nuisance, is that I never actually see them doing any work. They're visiting the higher ups and running their mouths, finding someone else to their job, or just trying to look busy. Frustrating!
So who am I among the office? I don't honestly know. I guess one (the gossip) might categorize me as the undeserving. I was promoted some time ago and yes it was in part because I do a good job at what I do, but it was also because I fell into the right place at the right time. Due to the economy, I was on the chopping block because those who were my equals had things like veteran's preference protecting their jobs and so there I was just waiting to be let go. Fortunate for me, I had a director who saw what I was doing and then thought I could do more and found a position for me as her new assistant. I'm that the higher up's like to come to to ask to do special projects and are usually the confidential type. I don't run my mouth, but I do get to hear all of the drama because people like to talk to me. I'm not sure why that is, but nonetheless I listen. People see me as undeserving because they felt overlooked for the job I was given. But I see myself as blessed. Does my job suck from time to time? Oh heck yes it does! But I won't apologize for having something good happen to me. So, as I walk up on many of the stereotypes running their mouths, and whispering that abruptly stops when I come into view. I just smile, shake me head, and act like it's nothing. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. It took me most of my life to feel this way but I'm so glad I made it there.

Aaaaannnnnnnnd We're Off

So, I needed a place where I can go to get my thoughts out. Somewhere that's mine & so here we are.... a blog. Seems like everyone has one these days & they do. There are blogs for everything. Mine though, it's just for me- My sanity I guess. I'm a 30 year old, married, mom of 3 who works full time, is always on the go, & never seems to be able to have the time to find my own voice because I'm too busy taking care of everything & everyone around me. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, because I honestly wouldn't trade my life for anything, but I needed something that's just mine; a place for me to be alone with my thoughts, because as all mother's know, that's impossible to do, even in your own bathroom. So, here I sit. Feeling a small sigh of relief that I can speak my mind and don't have to think about it twice. I don't expect anyone to read this & am perfectly fine if they don't. But in the event someone does stumble upon my little piece of this cyber world here's some info on me:

I turned 30 this year and have to say that I did so with grace. I'm not one of those people who dreads age and stays up at night contemplating the things I've missed out on or counting the things I should have done by the time I was 30. Growing up in life, I wanted few things. I wanted to be married and more than anything to be a mom and that's exactly where life has taken me. I have 3 very great kids, but wow do they know how to make you want to climb the walls. They bring me a lot of joy but right alongside of that joy is aggrivation, exhaustion, and frustration. We all experience it, I'm just not ashamed to admit it. I've been married for going on 12 years. Is he perfect? NOPE! Nor is our marriage, but most days it works for us. From the outside looking in, we probably seem extremely boring and average, but that's ok with me. I guess 12 years of being married and even moreso, being with the same guy since you were 16 is no small accomplishment these days. We have our days where we want to choke one another, but I try my best just to see it as another bump in our road in life. I look back and see a road filled with potholes, cracks, crashes, and some pretty huge detours, but here we are, still moving along. I work in a job that I only said would be short term. I've been here 10 years and have to say that I am finally in a place where I'm happy. I actually have one of those bosses that everyone wants to have. Ya know the type; understanding, appreciative, supportive, etc. I had to kiss a lot of toads to get here, but here I am content.
Content; not the easiest destination to arrive at, and not somewhere we stay very long, but I'll enjoy my stay while I'm here.
So, that's it in a nutshell. Nothing to make you really bat an eye at. Just me.