Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Past Keeps Resurfacing

Have you ever had someone/something from your past that keeps popping up again & again? With me, it's the same person. The person that is like a roach that just won't die. No, it's not really like that. It's just I have someone who has been part of my life off and on (mostly off) for over 20 years. I can't even say that she's a good friend as we've shared our ups and downs and have found ourselves mostly on the downside. So, here's the thing..... a few months back, I sent this person a rather curt message and explained that I would no longer be the person left on the back burner waiting for her to come back around and befriend me again. It always felt like she was talking down to me or using me when fighting with other friends, never just wanting to be a part of my life just to be there. I don't know, maybe I'm too hard on said friend, maybe it's just me making things harder than they have to be. That weird thing is that I know our friendship basically has been full of some very crappy moments, yet I still find myself missing this person. Am I freaking glutton for punishment? My husband keeps trying to tell me that I am better than this person and that walking away was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. But that's not really in my make up.... being mean, walking away. I guess I am more along the lines of the person who likes to fix things and as I have never been one to walk away before, it's haunting me that I was the one who did it this time. I'm better than that. I can rise above these things. I'm always trying to see the good in people and yes, sometimes you have to look deep to find it and search for an eternity, but am I no better because I so willingly brushed her aside and discarded a friendship that though it hasn't been perfect it has been a very large part of my life. I guess I'm just conflicted. While I don't necessarily want to open myself up to a possible hurt, I don't want to be the bad guy either. I don't want to be the horrible person who walked away from a relationship. So, not completely understanding why I did it, I sent a friend request on Facebook. Almost a bit of a peace offering. If she ignores it, then that's fine, at least I tried, but if she accepts it, then maybe we can be acquaintances, not friends, not best friends, but just someone who can have the courtesy of trying to acknowledge the other when you pass in public rather than feeling the urge to hide under a rock. My God, I'm 30 & I definitely still don't have it figured out.

And I just received notification that she accepted the request. Hmmm, let's see where this can go.

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